(Do not) blame it on me

and I am not alone!

Why do we feel so guilty? This question has been in my head this week. My therapist reminds me that I need to preserve my sanity from all happenings to filter what is worth feeling, but every time I do that, another feeling appears: guilt. I feel guilty for what I did, what I could have done or said, and what I didn't do. It's consuming! For every choice, there's something I blame myself for. 

Since moving from Brazil, I already feel a (slight) guilt for living abroad, significantly as my parents get older. I am 10,930km away, two flights, an eighteen-hour trip. In other words, there's an onus for every bonus in life. 

But the more I thought about it, the more I understood that this was not solely my fault. And there's probably something you are feeling guilty about right now too. 

Everyone feels guilt at some point; it's a human emotion. Yet there's a guilt gap between men's and women's guilt, as we tend to rely more on it, considering we are held responsible for many more things in life. And I am here to talk about the perspective of a woman. Work-life balance is harder, especially if you are a mom. The choice of having kids and a solid career seems (almost) impossible to us. The failure of a relationship, romantic or friendship. To not meet the expectations. The way you are allowed to suffer. If you feel too much, you are dramatic; if you don't, you are a cold-hearted (bitch). We feel guilty for not being able to care of everything and everyone all at once or for not prioritizing ourselves. 

We feel it all!! 

The process of evolving in life is always challenging. This week's contradiction of blaming myself for protecting my mental health has left me more stressed than many other complex life problems, yet it made me realize that this is (indeed) one of the biggest problems in a woman's life, feeling guilt.  

I believe it is something we are born with, and if not, we are taught very young to feel the burden of it. Who has never heard a woman saying, "My body was destroyed by my pregnancies"? Have you ever thought about the weight of this phrase? There's a guilt behind everything we feel. Let me be free!! 

Saying no and prioritizing myself have been the most difficult challenges in my adult life. And saying no—how simple yet complicated is this? Again, there's a weight of guilt behind it. There's FOMO! I am dreaming of a day when I feel confident enough to say "no" because helping to set clear and consistent boundaries is essential. 

As I googled to understand if I was going crazy about it, I came across various research about the guilt that women suffer. One study by a psychologist reports that when women aren't happy, when they have perceived something as "wrong," it means that they have failed. Women are then in danger of rejection and criticism, thereby losing their place of belonging. Taking the blame for other people's experiences becomes an emotional survival strategy. It keeps us likable. 

Other studies highlight the issue is not that women feel excessive guilt but rather that many men feel too little. According to experts, men, mainly those between the ages of 25-33, tend to possess lower levels of interpersonal sensitivity. This lack of sensitivity can have an impact on the presence or excessive weakness of certain types of guilt, particularly empathetic guilt. In other words, they are the cold-hearted bitches, or the only time men feel guilt is when they are caught having an affair.

We must learn to impose limits and not suffer from them. We must save ourselves from guilt. And as simple as it sounds—and my therapist demands it from me—I find that the simpler the problem, the trickier it is to take action. Guilt may be the most significant obstacle to women’s emotional well-being. And I am done blaming myself, at least for now. 

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