My (very late) birthday party

(I did it!)

(If you didn't read my last newsletter, keep in mind the following is a continuation of it)

As I come back from the other side of the finish line, I can proudly say: I did it.

This experience was frankly intense, emotionally and physically. What have I learned from it? Let me gossip about it because this is no picture-perfect social media profile, and people should be more honest about the real deal happening behind the scenes. I even asked my therapist, with whom I haven't been talking since December last year if she could find me a spot to speak to me before my race, and thankfully, she did.

As my mother-in-law was also running, my anxiety got really bad some days before. My biggest concern was that it was my first race, but it wasn't for her, and I didn't want to get competitive with anyone but myself. This race was supposed to be about me, myself and I. Something I hadn't done before, something out of my comfort zone, something challenging, something I should be proud of achieving alone.

During the emergency session with my therapist, I had a breakthrough. She said something that really struck a chord with me: Run like it's your birthday party. Go grab your race kit alone and think of it as your warm-up, like the decoration, before your party. This simple yet profound idea completely changed how I approached running my race, especially since I planned to run on my birthday back in January. A party for one. A party I chose for myself only. My party!

The presence of my mother-in-law couldn't change that moment for me. Also, running is a sport done alone, and crossing the finishing line would continue to depend only on me. Rafa made my playlist; the cover was the Ted Lasso "Believe" message, which couldn't be more appropriate and brought tears to my eyes.

The first 10k I ran together with Rafa's mom, which was actually fun to have company at the beginning of a long 21k journey. After running 10 kilometers, we naturally distanced ourselves as our bodies warmed up and the rhythm evolved differently. It was between 13 to 17k that an avalanche hit me hard. My head was in complete control over my body. I felt like vomiting, like the food I had before the race wasn't the right one. Everything was a mess. The energy gel was also making me sick. I felt like I needed to pee. No, not pee, vomit. Or pee. Why was I doing that to myself again? I lost my tempo. I started to cry. Run and cry.

My one promise to myself for the race was that I didn't want to walk at any point, as I didn't walk in any of my training. However, at that time, I could only think that I couldn't keep going, so it hit me, what if I walked?

I decided to walk during one song, and as the next start, I would pick up my pace again. As I walked, I sent an audio message to Rafa; I knew he was at some point between 16-17k waiting to cheer me up, and he replied with a forwarded audio of my 3-year-old niece cheering for me as they were tracking my race via the app. I started to cry even more. There are moments in life when everyone believes more in you than yourself, and between those 3 to 4 kilometers, they did. And I am thankful to be surrounded by them.

For the next 15 minutes, I walked one song and ran on the other. Plus, crying in disappointment that I was walking at some point and broke the only promise I had made to myself. I looked like a crazy lady between the runners. Then I saw Rafa and my father-in-law cheering and screaming for me. I took a deep breath and rewound my brain as I started the race again, and just like that, I gave it all for the next 4.5 kilometers. Ran like Forest Gump. Only looking ahead. Thinking about all my runs up to that point. Being proud of myself. Celebrating my birthday, after all, that race was my (very late) birthday party.

The sunset during my last kilometer felt like the cherry on top of my party. I got emotional again. I could see the end. I felt incredibly well, emotionally and physically. As I crossed the finishing line and took my medal, I decided to stay 10 minutes by myself, honoring that moment, celebrating my journey, and toasting my strength. I fucking did it!

The run was done alone and by myself, but the more I live (and get older), the more I believe in the importance of having people to live things with you. It's insane to live a life alone; loneliness is not cute or cool. It felt great to celebrate the race for 10 minutes alone, recognizing everything I had done to that point of crossing the line, but knowing that everyone who had felt part of this journey with me also celebrated, made me smile even more. It's the complicity. The partnership. The friendship. The genuine happiness. Thank you all, including you, for taking the time to read me.

During this time, all I heard was "Trust the process," although trusting the process doesn't mean not having doubts. It means continuing to take action even when you don't feel like it, when the expected results don't come, like me walking. It's about letting go of control over the future and doing what needs to be done now, even when your mind is drowning you in a sea of doubts.

Over this year, this race, which happened September 7th, was always on the back of my mind. Now that it's done, I wonder what my next personal challenge will be and where I should go from here. I am empty-handed. I feel ready for what's next because it's only when we risk reaching too far that we discover how far it's possible to go. 

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