One irrational mood swing at a time
can someone get me out of here?
My hormones are all over the place this week as I go through one of the worst PMS of my life. I am trying to understand the root of it as I have been good with my diet, including one chocolate or ice cream time during the weekends, but food-wise, it has been very healthy. I am not even drinking lately. So why do I feel so out of control? The stars inside of me were supposed to be better aligned.
As I start writing this, hoping my concentration will last more than 15 minutes, I decide to google "very bad PMS symptoms" to make sure my diagnosis is correct, and the first result that appears to me is a list:
Tension or anxiety. (guilty)
Depressed mood. (guilty)
Crying spells. (guilty)
Mood swings and irritability or anger. (guilty of mood swings)
Appetite changes and food cravings. (guilty-ish)
Trouble falling asleep (insomnia) (guilty-ish)
Social withdrawal. (guilty)
Poor concentration. (guilty)
8 out of 8 is my result.
Is anyone else feeling it?
Can someone get me out of here?
Where to go from this?
"The only way out is through" is my mantra for tough times, yet the reality is harsh. To better understand how crazy I've been, I just sent an audio message crying to my sister, who is on a flight and her phone is off. I sent it because I didn't want a reply, a suggestion, or an opinion; I wanted someone to listen. By the time she arrives, I will already be feeling better and in another mood (hopefully), and she doesn't need to worry. I could talk to the mirror or alone, but it wouldn't feel the same. Sometimes, saying things out loud to someone is the best way to put your thoughts in the right place, especially when I know I won't have an immediate reply.
How can my body have this much control over me? And why is it so bad this time? The more I search online, the more I doubt if this is real. I feel like I need to escape from my body. How can women actually live like this? It makes me question my body, everything I do, all the effort I put into my habits, all the time I spend in the gym, and all the research on how I can live better and longer if my body can be so unpredictable despite everything I do.
I have forgotten about the other times I felt this way, or this specific PMS had been anything but not ordinary. Another phrase I use as comfort for difficult times is "Women don't have a minute of peace." Because we don't, one day is PMS, and the other day is being underpaid, oversexualized, not belonging, feeling judged, dealing with unrealistic expectations, and opinions about your body you never asked anyone for.
In other words, in the life of an adult, there's always something going on, something you are worrying about, thinking about, and feeling about. It's about how you are stacking those dishes, but my "sink" this week is a total mess. This ongoing struggle requires resilience to navigate life's constant demands, and this week, all also while managing the challenges of my body struggling with intense PMS.
As a woman, I should know better how to deal with this, but still, after 34 years, I am here, out of control, writing, searching, questioning, and blaming myself for not being able to control the one thing I believed in having complete control of: my body.
(Repeat with me: "The only way out is through"—help!)
Maybe overthinking this PMS is lighting up other facets of how hormonal fluctuations can significantly affect my daily functioning and overall quality of life, which I had forgotten about as I happily don't feel this way every month. Writing about my feelings allows reflection and a deeper understanding of my emotions. Also, honestly, it shows how much I struggle with control.
Control and I have a complicated relationship, which is something I've always struggled with, especially when it comes to feeling out of control of my own body or situations around me. Take my fear of flying, for example. The idea of being thousands of feet in the air, totally reliant on strangers to get me safely to the ground, is terrifying. It's not just the fear of falling; it's the fact that I'm not the one in charge of my life in that specific place. I've worked on this in therapy, obviously. It's still a challenge to truly let go.
And now, this PMS is throwing me into another spiral of feeling out of control—only this time, it's my own body rebelling against me. Despite all my efforts to eat well, exercise, and take care of myself, my hormones are still running the show, making me feel like a crazy person in my own skin. I'm not usually the person who blames PMS, but this time, I can't deny it. The mood swings, the anxiety, the overwhelming emotions—they've come out of nowhere, and it's clear that my hormones have taken the wheel of this body. It's frustrating to realize that even when I do everything "right," my body can still pull the rug out from under me, reminding me once again that control is something I'll never fully have.
(Repeat with me: "Women don't have a minute of peace."—cryyyyying)
But here's the thing—sometimes, it really is just another evil PMS. Maybe there isn't a grand cosmic lesson to be learned every time our bodies go haywire. Sometimes, it's just your hormones playing tricks, making you believe the world is ending when, in reality, you just need to survive this rollercoaster ride of emotions with a bit of grace, a lot of chocolate, and maybe a few more crying audio messages. And if I emerge on the other side still a little tense but mostly intact, well, that's a victory worth celebrating, one irrational mood swing at a time.
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