What is it that you need to know in order to know?
self-doubt is to be human.
Living with self-sabotage is like living with an inner bully. My mind plays the bully; it criticizes and judges me constantly. But as I started updating my portfolio, an unexpected feeling of accomplishment arose inside of me.
In my mind, last year was far from my best work. I am a person who is always chasing to give my only best, not afraid to deep dive into things, learn, being curious. Since I changed careers from fashion to writer and creator, this responsibility feels heavier on my shoulders —constantly questioning what I need to know to have confidence that I know? However, reorganizing my portfolio made me stop to curate the best work from the past years, which surprised me by seeing that it wasn't that bad either.
As a creator, I have an ideal image of what I want to deliver every time, and once I think I don't achieve that image, feelings of self-hate, shame, and self-guilt start to appear. You understand things are correlated, but it's challenging to unravel the different layers behind them, resulting in feelings/moods.
The number one step to remember when doubting yourself is to not believe in everything you think; the mind is tricky. It's a gymnastic exercise to try to rationalize your way out of it because when you least expect, the thinking you are a failure starts to feel convincing as a way out. Although, the truth is, great work doesn't depend only on our best self; the macro things can impact what you do too.
Today, as I'm writing this, the apartment above is drilling non-stop. The gardener is cutting the grass with a noisy machine. My partner is working from home and having meetings without headphones because he forgot to charge them. I'm also questioning if any of this makes sense, as everything around is driving me nuts. Do you now understand when I say sometimes it's not only up to you to do your best?
Have you ever felt guilty for doing something one day and stopped it? Regarding your routine, it seems you're wrong if you don't do more. Before, you could, but now why can't you fit it into your day; what happened?
We must understand that: as much organized we are, we will go off the rails, and that's okay—the routine changes according to some things depending on each day. And as off the rails, we all go, the tricky part is who returns to it quickly and who makes this transition without getting lost and procrastinating everything forever because once you are off, that's how self-sabotage begins.
Your head can be your worst enemy; most people underestimate it. I wonder how to avoid all the self-talk when it's hard to recognize what we are experiencing. Self-sabotage is the thinking you are a failure, not worthy. I'm here to remind you that feeling afraid when you feel like you want to lean back. What you actually have to do is lean forward into courage. These moments are the ones you will remember for the rest of your life, the difficulty, the decisions you made. You must try to make peace with yourself.
Self-sabotage is a lack of self-esteem driven by the society and lifestyle we live, yet, sometimes you have to have insane confidence in yourself, even if it's not real.
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"If we're willing to be misunderstood, it means we’re willing to be true to who we are, even if someone doesn't get it." Take that and see you next Friday.