Why did I decide to challenge (or sabotage) myself?

depends on how you interpret

Let's go back to the beginning of the year, to January, on the day of my birthday, to be more specific, the 7th (mark on your calendar), I woke up feeling like I wanted to challenge myself, a challenge that would involve only me, myself & I. It couldn't be related to work, family, love, anyone, weather, or place; it was supposed to be about competing with myself. Something I could win and lose at the same time. Something new. Something I have never done before.

As adults, we tend to forget the importance of challenging ourselves in ways we are not prepared at all. We never go for experiences fully in the dark like children often do. It feels silly to do it after a certain age. Why would you do that with yourself? You feel like you don't need that anymore because you already (kind of) know your way through life. What you like and dislike. What you enjoy. What you believe your heart and anxiety can take (and it is not skydiving). What you can take advantage of. What you think is definitely not for you. What maybe you want to try someday, but this day is just not today (or tomorrow), one day. What you are sure that in this life you won't achieve anymore, so there's no point in trying—for me, unfortunately it is to be an elite athlete.

All these thoughts were on my mind in January, especially during my birthday. Usually, I spent most of my birthdays celebrating, except this year, when I only wanted to be quiet, partly alone, and unbothered. It felt like an existing crisis, which is weird as I love my birthday. I consider it the best day of the year. I love celebrating, so why not celebrate life? The power of living, another year ending, and another one ready to be conquered.  But not this year.

What can I do to really challenge myself?

How can I put myself in something I never thought of before?

Why do I want to feel discomfort?

I started to research what this crazy goal could be. One thing that came to my mind was that every year, I tell myself I want to run one full lap around the island where I live, which is 10km long, and I never did. I never ran 10k. I used to be a treadmill runner, 5 or 6k maximum. In Brazil, I found it challenging to run on the streets, and the parks are small, so I never felt like going round and around the same place. And since I moved and started running on the roads, I never saw the purpose of going beyond 5 or 6k either because, to be honest, I never took running as a sport.

As the feeling of conquering 10km became vital to my mind and will, I thought it was too little for a challenge. I tend to complicate things and look for something I have never considered doing. I started researching runs and discovered a half-marathon in Stockholm on September 7th, exactly 8 months after my birthday. Why would I sign up for this if I had never participated in any official run, not even a 5k one? However, I thought this challenge would check my boxes:

✓ it will be a huge challenge,

✓ one I have to do alone,

✓ one that only depends on me,

✓ one that needs a real commitment to training (like an elite athlete),

✓ something I have never done before,

✓ something I have never thought of doing,

✓ and something I will feel extreme discomfort doing it.

This is it!

As I decided this and was in Brazil then, I communicated my intention of running a half-marathon to my family and Rafa. Besides Rafa, they were supportive in a way that didn't put much faith in me that I would actually run; after all, it was January, and I was making plans for September. I signed up with my mind and myself right there; there would be no turning back.

My training began right away in January. I told my PT in Brazil, and he was so convinced that I could do it, it gave me more confidence. As this journey was supposed to be alone, I asked him if he could give me tips as he was a professional athlete once. My go-to app training was Nike Run. The "set up your plan" part is amazing; it's free, and the coaching during the runs was essential for me not to give up (you can choose between guided or non-guided runs). The first goal to start this journey was the 10k around my island in Stockholm.

In April, I traveled to London to watch and support my father-in-law, who was running the London Marathon, and right there, watching those people running, overcoming themselves, and suffering, I believed it was time to sign up for my half-marathon officially. And I did, inside a pub, drinking beer, thinking I still needed to accomplish running 10k, but reminding myself of my commitment back in January. The first 10k was completed on May 12th. And from that day in May, everything changed.

My weekly training routine for the next 3 months was 4 runs + 4 strength training, a total of 8 trainings (sometimes 9). The struggle was real, not only physical but mentally exhausting. To achieve my goal, I knew I had to keep the focus on it and understand that there would be things I needed to let go of like this was the spring/summer that I drank less in my life (and I loooove drinking beer in the sun). Drinking less also means, in our society, being less social, which sometimes feels very lonely.

The mental aspect is the tipping point here, as I found running to be chaotic. One day, you run like you are flying; the next day, it feels like an endless hole in which you will never find the way out. Running is a psychological journey for me, as I observe many people can run, but for more than 10k, you must be mentally prepared. I laughed. I cried. I sabotaged myself. It's you against yourself. Nobody is there to say don't stop if you want to stop. Nobody is there to say it is just a wrong thought; just keep going. It's really tempting to give up.

In July, I got injured due to too much training, a terrible piriformis syndrome inflammation, which resulted in sharp pains and bed rest for two days. I learned the power of resting and stretching because my body screamed for it. As my body stopped, my emotional state plummeted. It was a deep self-sabotage road for the next 20 days without training. I couldn't understand if I was still in pain, if it was my brain almost convincing me to give up, or a mix of both. 20 days and no runs, with just a month away from the big day.

This path was precisely the challenge I wanted for myself. Resilience became my middle name. And just like that, September is here. I still don't consider myself a runner, but tomorrow at the Stockholm Halfmarathon 2024, I will be one of the 18.000 people running. I am scared, excited, and hopeful that I will return to tell you how things are from the other side of the finish line.

(to be continued)

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